


Jack and Jill

by goldmuffin



Series: Drunken Truth [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, this is just shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldmuffin/pseuds/goldmuffin
Summary: In the midst of passed out bodies and an alcoholic atmosphere, Junmyeon the teacher gets taught about nursery rhymes and toilet seats by his dumb best friend.





	Jack and Jill

 

Junmyeon knows how... _entertaining_ things could get when he and his friends are pissed. Although he doesn't have a clue how he behaves when he is out of it, he knows from Yifan's beetroot face and their friend's boisterous laughter that he is quite the provocative drunk.

He had chosen to ignore them since Yifan rarely reddens, therefore what he does is indeed bold.

Since the youngest of their lot passed his finals, a celebration amongst the twelve of them was planned. They had agreed to drink the night away and with Kyungsoo and Minseok's stern eyes, they were forced to do it in, again, Sehun's house. No way were they dragging ten pissed bodies, five of them being twice their size, into their respective houses and apartments.

Junmyeon was thankful for that since he is a highschool teacher and he had classes in two days. He needed to review.

He hears a sound of disgust and looks up to find Minseok holding up what seems to be a wet, topless pizza slice.

“Who on earth would dip pizza in soju? Disgusting.”

“Probably Luhan. He was screaming about it a while ago.” Minseok visibly shudders and quickly drops the offending food onto a plastic bag along with the other trash that the others have strewn around. On the side, Kyungsoo drags Chanyeol's feet and the poor boy was struggling.

“I'm going to fucking choke you with your own guitar pick when you're sober, Park fucking Chanyeol.” He grunts, his face scrunching up as he exerted too much force on his task. Junmyeon smiles at the younger's unintentional cute expression.

While Minseok cleaned up, Kyungsoo helped by making sure that their friends didn't wake up in uncomfortable positions. (Truthfully, he didn't mind and was even elated but Minseok did not allow it.)

As for Junmyeon, they gave him the time to study since he had been stuck on that one darn martian poetry piece for a week now and he would not dare show his face to his students without an answer. You'd think, for someone who majored in both Physics and Literature, he'd have this shit done by now but no, contrary to everyone's belief, he is quite stupid.

His friends had offered to help, but eventually each of them gave up. Yifan had joked that Junmyeon would have to wait when he is drunk because it is a fact known that a drunk Yifan is a smart Yifan. But things got too awkward when they were both reminded of certain memories involving William Shakespeare and Isaac Newton.

“...six, seven... wait, two's missing. Hyung!” Junmyeon turns towards Kyungsoo's reaction, then runs a quick scan on the sleeping bodies only to find that it is his best friend and their youngest who are missing.

“Fuck, he better not get a hold of stones or a rope.” He hisses under his breath before standing from his seat. Minseok arrives just in time from the kitchen. He gives them orders, telling Kyungsoo to look around the first floor, Junmyeon to go searching upstairs while he goes outside in case the tall fool channeled his inner Romeo and started murmuring and doing nonsense.

Junmyeon nods and hastily makes his way up the stairs. He first checks Sehun's parents (who are yet again out on a never-ending business trip) and finds no one. Then, as he makes way through the halls, he hears the faint sound of... nursery rhymes?

He searches for the source and finds it from none other than Sehun's room. The door is closed but thankfully unlocked. He twists the knob and finds two huge and lean figures on the carpet swaying to what Junmyeon recognized as “Wheels on the Bus”.

“Gege, it's a really nice song. We should download it.” He hears the younger say.

“Hmm... Yep, it is safe. We should then.” Yifan answers.

Junmyeon thinks just how many different personalities does Yifan have when he is pissed.

Junmyeon leans on the door frame unnoticed and inwardly coos (and growls) when he sees Sehun happily nuzzle his head on the older's neck.

He should inform the others but the scene before him is too cute (and somehow enviable) to disturb. He almost laughs out loud when the two danced to the next song, which Junmyeon does not recognize this time. He is much more amazed when the pair started singing in a call and response manner.

“...Are we there yet?”

“Not yet!”

“Are we there yet?”

“Not yet~”

“Are we there yet?”

“Not yet!”

“Are we there yet?”

Yifan sighs then sings, “Let's play a game. Look at where we are. Won't you look with me and tell me what you see, driving in the car?”

“Junmyeon? Junmyeon did you find them!” Minseok's voice startles him and before he could control himself, he yells back affirmative, successfully alerting the two dunks.

Before Junmyeon could curse, he finds air knocked out of him as a tall body made contact with his petite figure and proceeded to squeeze his gay soul out.

“Hyung~! Hyung we have so many new songs that gege downloaded! I love Cocomelon. And I love Yifan gege. But I love Cocomelon more!” Sehun cheered and Junmyeon had to gently push him away since he did not want to die single.

“Oh my god, you little brat. You scared me! Where is Yifan?” Minseok scolds once he arrives. Sehun sees this as another oppurtunity to gush about his love for this Cocomelon so he quickly detaches himself from Junmyeon and latches on like a leech on Minseok. When Junmyeon tells the oldest that he will take care of Yifan, he nods and brings (struggling, of course) Sehun down to where the others were.

“Hello, Junmyeon!” Yifan greets brightly, still on his position as the screen showed what seemed to be a TV shaped watermelon.

“Hey. What are you wacthing?” He smiles, slowly approaching the other. Yifan shrugs.

“Oh, you know. Stuff to further study and interpret. Some of them are actually not appropriate for children.” The taller says solemnly, and Junmyeon laughs. The former is confused and so he questions him.

“What's funny?”

“What do you mean not appropriate? Those are nursery rhymes, for god's sake! They are for children.” Junmyeon replies as he plonks his butt down besides Yifan. The latter crosses his arms and tuts while shaking his head.

“See, that's why you're still stuck on that martian poem. You think too literally!”

“Hey!”

“It's true. Tell you what, you'll never get the answer to that thing unless you think like me.”

“What? Think of Capulets and Jack and Jill? No way.”

“Oh, see. You seriously have no idea.”

“About what?”

Junmyeon fights back the warmth that was creeping over his face when Yifan suddenly shifts to face him and looks him straight in the eyes.

“Jack and Jill. You don't know what it means, do ya?”

“Of course I do!”

“Okay, then. Explain.” Yifan challenges. Junmyeon huffs and racks his brain for that one thing his eighth grade English teacher taught him.

“Aha! It's about Louis of France then his Queen Marie Antoinette who both got beheaded by a guillotine!” Junmyeon grins broadly in triumphant.

“Absurd.” Yifan rolls his eyes.

“Well? What does it mean then?”

Yifan shakes his head then pats a hand on Junmyeon's reddened cheek.

“Dearest innocent Junmyeon, _darling_. Jack and Jill isn't about kings and queens dying. It's about a couple's first time.” Junmyeon gapes at him.

“First what?”

“Gee. First time having sex.”

“ _WHAT?!_ ” Yifan nods calmly.

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. The pale of water represents cum. Yes, you heard that right,” Junmyeon is officially _stumped_ by this.

“Jack fell down and broke his crown, crown meaning virginty and Jill came tumbling after. Indeed, tumbling in the throes of sexual pleasure. As easy as that.”

“Stop fucking with me.”

“Hmm, would love to fuck you but nope, I'm serious.”

“You're drunk.”

“Noamnot~”

“Yes, you are. It's a nursery rhyme!”

“Why don't we just go take a look on your martian poetry?”

* * *

 

  
Minseok and Kyungsoo have both made themselves comfortable on the sofas in the living room, the others sprawled out on the carpet. Junmyeon, on the other hand, is biting his lip and mentally scolding himself for checking out (and getting turned on) by one Wu Yifan who somehow looked sexier peering over Junmyeon's notebook with serious eyes.

_Smart is sexy indeed. Damn._

Ah, if only Yifan knew how much Junmyeon's gay scale went to 199 over 100.

“What in Shakespeare's grandmother's knickers! Junmyeon, this is too easy!”

“Yeah...” He breathes dreamily before slapping himself and clears his throat. “Uh, I mean, what?”

Yifan points a long, veiny finger towards that lucky _goddamned_ paper. “This. Oh my god, you spent like, weeks?”

_Nice fingers... I wonder how'd they feel inside my—_

“Earth to Kim Junmyeon!” Junmyeon snaps out of his daydream.

“Yeah?”

“And you wonder why you never decoded this thing!”

“S-sorry...” He scratches the back of his neck. Yifan clears his throat then sits closer to Junmyeon, shoving his notebook to his face.

“It's so easy! Literally!”

“Fine, I get it. You are smart now stop beating around the bush and tell me what this darn poem means.”

“A toilet.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Yifan sighs exasperatedly and rolls his eyes. If he weren't drunk, Junmyeon would never believe his seriousness. He sighs. Anything at this point is correct.

“Then how, pray tell, is it talking about a toilet?”

Yifan clears his throat once more and straightens his back, then he begins reading the said piece.

> They are ubiquitous, concealed  
>  In every home and office block;

“Toilets can be found everywhere but they are always hidden within four walls.”

> An object, when one stands revealed,  
>  Whose substance is like polished rock.

“You sit on a toilet and when you stand, it is revealed. Toilets are usually made of shiny concrete.”

“So is a literal chair!”

“Hush.”

>   
>  A snail’s shell is its shape, turned up,  
>  Much magnified in bulk and size;

“Now, imagine a scutalus snail's shell upside down but thicker and bigger.”

“...oh dear.”

> And in its sloping, hollowed cup  
>  A level pool of water lies.

Yifan simply raises one thick eyebrow. Junmyeon gasps.

> This font, it seems, they venerate,  
>  And worship often in its shrine,

“Not font like MS Word font but font like chruch baptism font. Also a toilet must always be respected or rather, kept clean since people always shit in it.”

Junmyeon can only stare at him.

> Alone and in a secret state  
>  Within the small and locked confine.

“Toilets must be in a comfort room.”

> Their offerings they make unseen,

“Who shits in public, anyways?”

“There are some...”

“Well, anyone in their right mind.”

> The water moved with drops or drill;  
>  Then use a purgative machine  
>  To leave the water clear and still.

“Viola! You flush your poop away!”

“Oh my fucking hell.”

Yifan winks at him.

 

* * *

 

 The next morning, as Minseok carries a tray of glasses filled with water and Kyungsoo grudgingly passes around aspirin, Yifan's world stops when a pair of soft lips touches his cheeks and a cheerful “Thank you so much!” reaches his ears. They all stare in awe (even the hangover could not stop it) as Junmyeon skips away and disappears from the front door.

Yifan is now very curious what God's work he did that night and if he could do it when he is sober.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I got this nonsense of an idea from my experiences back in 8th and 10th grade. I had the firm belief that Jack and Jill was truly about the events of the Reign of Terror back in 1973 until my humorous English teacher decided to destroy it for me. As for the poem by W.J. Webster, it was supposed to be our subject for the reporting but we (my group and our teacher) had no clue what the martian poetry meant. Later they gave up on it and it took me a whole ten minutes to find out what it actually meant. Suffice to say, I made the room laugh and got the group a perfect score.
> 
> Cocomelon is a kid's channel on YouTube that is constantly being watched by my little brother.
> 
> Merry Christmas! 💛


End file.
